I'm having one of those days...
...one of those days where you wake up knowing the day is not going to be good.
...one of those days where nothing goes your way.
...one of those days where you just want to climb into bed, pull the covers over your head and ignore the world.
...yes, I'm having one of those days.
Pity party for 1? Yes, please.
I'm going to preface this post by saying that I don't usually have too many of these days. I'm generally a happy person. I'm a very lucky person- I'm healthy, my dad is healthy, I have a wonderful boyfriend, roof over my head and a refrigerator full of food. My situation is SO much better than many people out there. I know that. But, right now I'm going through a hard time, so I'm going to take a minute and just spill. Just get it all out. Hopefully it helps.
My day started with an email remainder that my student loans (that are currently in deferment) will enter repayment in just a few short weeks. I knew this time was coming. I've dreaded it from the minute I graduated. The email lead me to open the government website that contains all of my loan information-mainly the total amount I owe. It's not a pretty number. It's one of the biggest numbers I've ever seen. Many people could buy a HOME with this number. Just looking at it is sooo incredibly daunting. I know, I shouldn't complain too much, I mean I did get a JD from a good school in an expensive city. But unfortunately that's no comfort when I'm currently unemployed and that degree is doing absolutely nothing for me at the moment.
After the depressing loan reminder I had a long and tearful conversation with my dad. I want to start by saying that my dad has been incredibly supportive of my situation recently (well, my whole life really!). I couldn't afford to live where I do if it wasn't for my dad. I wouldn't drive the car I drive if it wasn't for my dad. I wouldn't have the "freedom" to stay home everyday and look for a job if it wasn't for my dad. If my dad wasn't helping me out, I'd probably be back at home living under his roof. However, I don't like that my dad has to help me. I've always worked, always made my own money and never had to rely on my dad (until recently). I hate being dependent on him at this point in my life. But, up until now, I really haven't had much of a choice (if I want to continue living in the city I do and looking for a legal position in the state I took the bar exam in). The conversation with my dad was about next month's rent, which in turn lead to him expressing his frustration in my current situation, which lead to my breakdown. He knows I'm trying and the second the words escaped his mouth he knew he was wrong and that he upset me. He knows I'm trying, just like I know I'm trying. Unfortunately, trying isn't always good enough. Trying doesn't pay the bills!
Needless to say, for the past 4 hours straight I have looked into and applied for countless retail positions. I filled out a ridiculous number of applications for clothing stores, home good stores, banks, etc. For goodness sake, I took a 30 question math quiz for a bank teller position! I'm absolutely desperate at this point. I just need a job-any job.
I know this post may come off as incredibly whiny, and that's not my intention. I'm just expressing how I feel. Desperate, stressed, exhausted...
If anyone has any words of encouragement or ideas for where I should (or shouldn't!) apply please, PLEASE feel free to leave them in the comments.